


How To Say You're Sorry Without Words

by Kikacat



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Aftermath of the prank, Apologies, Communication, First Kiss, Forgiveness, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 20:12:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16750774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kikacat/pseuds/Kikacat
Summary: Sirius realises the depth of his feelings after the Prank. Can he mend his relationship with Remus? And will there ever be anything more?





	How To Say You're Sorry Without Words

**Author's Note:**

> A little fic about Sirius and Remus coming to terms with the Prank, and what it means for their relationship. All mistakes are my own.

A lot can happen in six seconds, Sirius thought. That was the exact amount of time it took for him to recognise that he had made the biggest mistake of his life, while simultaneously realising that he was completely in love with Remus.

It was these two thoughts that left him standing stock still, mouth open, while James ranted in his face.

“What were you thinking, Sirius? Honestly, what on earth made you send Snape after Moony? Did you even stop to consider what could happen?” James yelled, red in the face and angrier than Sirius had ever seen him. They were alone in the dorm; Peter had refused to be in the same room with him, and had gone to the hospital wing to wait for Remus to wake up. 

“Why would you do that to Moony?” James asked, finally winding down.

Sirius finally found the ability to move again, and blinked slowly as James’ words filtered in.

“I’m in love with him,” Sirius whispered.

James punched him square in the face.

*****

After two hours of silence, James finally cracked.

“I don’t get it. You say you love Moony, but you tried to get him to kill Snape. It makes no sense,” he muttered from his seat on his bed.

Sirius, sat in the middle of the floor, nursing his black eye but not healing it, looked up. “I didn’t know I loved him at the time, at least I don’t think I did. I was just so angry at Snape. He was saying horrible things about Remus, about how weak and pathetic he was, and I just lost it. I thought if he saw how strong and brave Remus was, he’d leave him alone. I just didn’t think..” 

“Well that much is obvious,” James huffed, but his voice was softer, “I suppose I can see where you were coming from, even if it was the stupidest decision you’ve ever made.”

Sirius nodded in agreement. “Do you think Remus will understand?” he asked, already knowing the answer. 

James looked away. “No, Padfoot, I really don’t think he will.”

******

Sirius needed a plan. James had forgiven him, more or less, and Peter had followed James’ lead, though he still threw the odd dirty look his way. Sirius couldn’t blame him. Talking it over with James had led him to see just what a mistake he’d made, and how much worse it could’ve been.

He hadn’t seen Remus, who was still in the hospital wing and only allowed one visitor for a few hours a day. Peter and James took turns, and while he silently hoped that Remus would ask to see him, he hadn’t yet. James had offered to talk to Remus for him, but he wanted to do it himself. To explain and apologise the best he could.

So he needed a plan. He wasn’t fool enough to ever think Remus could love him back, especially now, but he would do everything in his power to repair their friendship, no matter what it took. He would be the best friend Remus had ever had. That would be enough.

One whole week passed. It was a Tuesday evening, when the door to the common room swung open, and Remus climbed in. The whole room fell silent as the Gryffindors looked slowly between Remus and the Marauders, who were sat, quietly for once, by the fire. No-one knew what had happened, though various rumours had spread after James was heard shouting, and Sirius had appeared with his black eye. It felt like the room was collectively holding its breath.

“Remus!” James yelled, breaking the tension as he jumped up from his chair. He flung himself across the room, almost bowling over a first year, who was unfortunately standing in front of him. He pulled Remus into a tight hug. “It’s so good to have you back,” he said, quietly, into Remus’ ear. 

Peter approached, grinning, and clapped Remus on the back. “Good to have you back, mate,” he said, relieved his friend was okay. 

Sirius stood up slowly, scared to approach, but desperate to try. James stood back from Remus and looked between the two of them. “Perhaps you two should speak upstairs,” he said, tilting his head at the crowd watching with interest.

“Yes, I think so,” Remus said softly, and Sirius had never heard anything better.

Remus headed toward the stairs to the boys dorm, as Sirius almost tripped over his feet in his rush to follow. He could hear the common room erupt as he disappeared, and James’ voice over the din, shouting for them all to shut up.

******

The door was open as he reached the top of the stairs, Remus already inside. Sirius closed the door behind him, leaning back against it, and looked at Remus through his eyelashes, ashamed to meet his eye.

Remus was standing by his bed, his back to Sirius, idly touching his belongings. His fingers gently caressed the spine of a book. Sirius recognised it, The Hound of the Baskervilles, Remus’ favorite. He didn’t look at Sirius.

“Moony,” Sirius started.

“You know I thought, quite a few times, that I’d never get to read this again,” Remus interrupted, voice quiet, but Sirius heard it clearly in the silent dorm. “I thought I was going to die. What the wolf did to me..” his voice faded out as Sirius looked up, tears in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, I’m so, so, sorry,” he managed, his tears now running freely down his face, “I never meant for it to get that far, I can’t even say what I thought would happen, but it wasn’t this. I would never hurt you on purpose Remus, never.”

He was sobbing now, arms wrapped tightly round himself, as he stared at Remus’ frigid back. Knowing that his friend would never want to look at him again, he sank down to floor, as he realised the true depth of his hurt. Holding onto his bent legs, hiding himself, he cried into his knees.

He didn’t hear Remus cross the room, nor notice him sitting on the floor next to him. He gasped sharply as he felt a hand slide gently around his shoulders, pulling him in, holding him tightly.

“Its okay, Sirius, it’s okay. I forgive you,” Remus breathed into his ear, “I forgive you, Padfoot, it’s okay.”

Sirius cried harder in disbelief. Letting go of the death grip on his legs, he turned around and buried himself in Remus’ chest, hands fisting Remus’ faded robes so tightly, the material began to tear. Remus let him cry it all out, and when Sirius had fallen asleep, carried him across the room to his bed.

******

Why did you forgive me? That was the question running through his head, as Sirius stared at Remus from his seat next to him in the Great Hall. Things had gotten back to kind of normal; laughter and pranks taking the place of uncomfortable silence and awkward tension, though Snape was being deliberately avoided. He was careful around Remus, though. Not wanting to push too far, too quickly. Remus didn’t seem to have noticed.

Remus looked up and met his eyes. “Okay there?” he asked.

Sirius nodded quickly, almost choking on the pumpkin juice in his mouth. “Yeah, course, you know me,” he coughed out.

Remus smiled softly, and ducked his head. Sirius almost choked again.

“I fancy a walk today,” he managed, “You up for it?”

“Sounds good,” Remus looked up again. “Shall I find the others?”

“I thought it could just be us. I need a break from James’ continuous monologue of all things Lily Evans, and Pete’s quest to finally burp the Alphabet.”

Remus laughed. “I know what you mean. Shall we go now?”

Sirius nodded, and stood up. He almost reached for Remus’ hand, his arm seeming to move of its own accord. He jerked it back quickly, and moved off out of the hall, hoping Remus hadn’t noticed his slip.

The walked in silence for a while, following a less busy path around the outside of the Castle, taking the long way down to the lake. The Sun was shining, and a soft breeze swayed the smaller branches of the trees as they passed.

“I’m glad we’re doing this,” Remus said quietly, breaking the silence between them, “I realise things haven’t been the same, and I wanted to see what I could do to make it better. I miss my friend, Padfoot.”

“What are you talking about?” said Sirius, incredulous. He had no idea what Remus was getting at. Why would Remus need to make things better?

“It’s okay, Sirius. I understand. You’ve finally seen what a monster I am, and it’s made you scared of me. I understand completely. Frankly, it always bothered me how little you took it seriously before. At least now you’ve seen the truth. I just hope that there’s a way I can make it better, and we could go back to how things were before.”

Sirius had stopped walking now, and was staring at Remus with his mouth agape.

“You think I’m scared of you?” he asked, completely shocked.

Remus chuckled, harshly. “Of course you are. And that’s normal. You used to be more open with me, or you’d find me in the library for a chat, or sneak down to the kitchens to get me tea. Like just now in the Hall, you went to touch me, and pulled back. I know I’m disgusting, Sirius, but you’ve never made me feel that way before. I know you can’t forget what I am, but feeling normal around my friends was the best thing that ever happened to me. I want, I want that back if I can. Please, just tell me what I can do, so you’re not as afraid.”

Sirius felt his eyes well up. His chest was tight and his throat felt clogged with tears. Remus’ face looked almost desperate. Sirius hated himself at that moment, for making Remus feel like a monster, that he was anything less than perfect.

He leapt forward, wrapping his arms around Remus, in a hug so tight it lifted him off the ground.

“No, Remus, no. You’ve got it all wrong. You’re not a monster and I’m not scared of you. Don’t ever think that. I love.. I love who you are. I’ve been holding back because I was scared of pushing you away by being too much.. too much me.

Remus had bought his own arms up now, and was holding Sirius tightly, face tucked against his neck.

“Really?” he whispered.

“Yes!” Sirius said, clutching harder at Remus’ robes. “What I did was so awful, truly awful. If anyone’s a monster, it’s me. I was just trying to make you feel comfortable, and I fucked that up too.”

Remus let out a sob. “So you don’t hate me?” he managed.

“I could never.”

******

“What happened with you and Moony today?” James asked, head dangling off the end of his bed as he watched Sirius unpack clean pyjamas from his trunk. Remus and Peter were still in the library, so James had grasped his chance to speak to Sirius privately.

“We talked, sorted a few things out, I think it’ll be better now,” Sirius replied, still moving around. 

“Did you tell him how you feel?”

Sirius looked at James like he’d grown a second head. “Yeah, now’s the perfect time to do it. When i’ve just gotten him to forgive me. Grow a brain, James.”

James was undeterred, “I think now’s the perfect time. You’re starting afresh in a way, so now would be perfect. It seems stupid to go back to how you were before, when you want something different.”

“It’s not about me though, is it?” Sirius said quietly, finally settling and sitting on his bed, “I’ve just got him back.”

James sat up too. “I know, but not being honest with him won’t help in the long run. You’re not subtle, Padfoot, and sooner or later he’s going to work out how you feel, and whether the feeling is mutual or not, he’s still going to be angry if he thinks you were lying to him. Especially now.” 

Sirius sighed, he knew James was right. He looked up at the compassionate face of his friend and nodded decisively. “I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”

*****

Remus knew something was up almost as soon as he opened his eyes. The dorm was suspiciously quiet, and for a moment, he was afraid to open his curtains.

He was alone in the room, or so he thought. Sirius was sitting so quietly and still on his own bed, that Remus almost hadn’t noticed him.

“Morning,” Remus greeted, “Where is everyone?”

Sirius jumped at the sound of Remus’ voice, but covered his surprise quickly and grinned. “I’ve sent them both off to stalk Lily. I wanted to talk to you alone.”

“Oh?” Remus managed, suddenly feeling exposed although he was covered in multitude of blankets. 

Sirius seemed to gather himself. Sucking in a big breath, he looked straight at Remus. “Why did you forgive me?

“Oh,” Remus repeated.

“Well?” Sirius’ face told Remus he was going to get his answer.

“I didn’t want anything to change.”

“What? Did you think you’d lose the others if you hated me? I would have made them pick you over me in a heartbeat.” 

Remus sighed, “It wasn’t just that.”

“Well, what was it then?” Sirius begged.

“A purely selfish reason, I promise you,” Remus answered, avoiding Sirius’ eyes.

Sirius sat silently, waiting for Remus to continue.

Remus breathed deeply and thought, Fuck it.

“I couldn’t lose you.”

Sirius was gobsmacked. "What?"

“I couldn’t lose you,” Remus began, and it was like a dam had burst, “I was so angry with you Sirius, so angry, and when I woke up and found out what happened, I didn’t think I’d ever be able to forgive you. But then I thought about it. It’s not like I don’t know how reckless you are, that you don’t think things through. I realised that you hadn’t expected things to turn out as they did. I saw how angry Peter and James were with you, and guessed how upset you must be. I forgave you because I couldn’t stand the thought of you being sad, of having the only family you actually care about freezing you out. I couldn’t imagine not being around you. I realised then that I would probably forgive you anything. And running the risk of being hurt by you is a chance I’m willing to take. Because it means I have you,” he stopped then, cheeks flushing, “Be around you, I mean.”

Sirius looked at him then. Really looked at him.

“What do you really mean Remus, about having me?” he whispered.

Remus wouldn’t meet his eyes.

“I never hoped, I barely dared to imagine it. I thought i was lucky just to get your friendship back,” Sirius stuttered out.

Remus looked at him sharply. “Don’t joke about this Sirius. Look, just forget what I said, it doesn’t matter. We’re okay and that’s what counts.”

“No Remus,” Sirius was desperate. He climbed off his bed and walked over to Remus’, sitting carefully on the edge. “I’m not joking. I realised how I felt about you the moment I realised what I’d truly done. It nearly broke me, that I could have done that to you. I love you so much.”

He reached out a hand, fingers sliding gently though Remus’.

Remus was blinking back tears. “Don’t say it if you don’t mean it, Sirius. That’s the one thing I might not be able to forgive you for.”

“I mean it, I mean it,” Sirius said, as he leant forward, wrapping Remus up in his arms, “I love you, I think I always have. Hell, the reason I did what I did, however misguided, was because I was trying to make him see how strong you are, how brave, how incredible.

His words were cut off as Remus turned his head and kissed him, his mouth gentle, the kiss full of hope and promise.

Sirius moaned, kissing back with everything he had. He kissed harder, trying to show with his heart how sorry he was. Remus gripped him tighter, pulling their bodies flush together, hands moving softly over him. 

Sirius felt pure happiness in that moment, as Remus sighed contentedly into the kiss. This was everything he could of ever hoped for. This kiss was forgiveness. And forever.


End file.
